The Grief of Losing Who You Were, with Martin Pemberton

Content note: This episode includes discussion of depression and suicidal thoughts. If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, there are organisations you can call now. In the UK, you can call the Samaritans on 116 123. In the US, you can call the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. In Australia, call Lifeline on 13 11 14. As always, the advice is to speak to a GP or mental health professional.

Martin Pemberton became a professional footballer twice, achieving the ambition that had shaped his life from childhood. But when football ended, he lost far more than a career. The identity, purpose, routine and sense of belonging it had given him disappeared too, and he was unprepared for what followed.

Martin moved quickly into a new job, marriage and fatherhood, apparently getting on with life. Underneath, however, he was struggling. Over the following years, that unaddressed loss developed into anxiety, depression and thoughts of ending his life.

Martin believes that losing an important role can produce a form of grief, even when nobody has died. It can follow retirement, redundancy, divorce, a change in family life or any experience that leaves you wondering who you are now. Because men often feel they should be able to cope, that grief can become mixed with shame, isolation and a sense of failure.

In this honest and practical conversation, Martin explains how he began rejecting and abandoning himself without recognising what was happening. He also describes the difficult conversation that finally forced him to confront how he felt about himself and became the catalyst for his recovery.

We discuss:

• Why losing a career or role can feel like a bereavement
• The subtle signs that a man may be starting to abandon himself
• Why pressure to provide can make change feel like personal failure
• How childhood experiences can teach men that speaking up is unsafe
• Why telling the wrong person can sometimes make things worse
• The difference between accepting difficult feelings and giving in to them
• Why outward success can still leave us feeling empty
• How emotions can be treated as information rather than commands
• A simple exercise for separating what you can control from what you cannot

Martin also explores the idea behind his book, The Hollow Victory: why following the expected path – career, recognition, money, relationships and achievement – does not always produce the fulfilment we were promised.

This episode is for anyone who appears to be coping but privately feels disconnected, dissatisfied or unsure who they are anymore. It offers a way to understand what may be happening beneath the surface and a small, practical first step towards finding a way forward.

Find out more about Martin, his work and The Hollow Victory at Just 1 to 11 It Coaching.